Author: theothershoeweb

Reminder for nothing

So I received an email reminder to have my annual mammogram yesterday.  This brought up a lot of emotions as I no longer have breasts so I can’t have a mammogram. It has been a year since the mammogram that led to my breast cancer diagnosis.  It seems like not that long ago and forever ago at the same time. I haven’t written anything for this blog in a long time as I have been struggling to decide if I should share my blog or not.  As I have said before I started it to share the daily life, (or weekly) as would be more likely, of an elementary school teacher.  It ended up being a great way for me to work through how I was feeling about my breast cancer.  I have so far only shared it in a few closed groups and with a friend to get advise on whether to share it or not.  I think I have decided to share it, but am still working out for myself why.  What is the purpose of sharing my story?

I think the purpose of sharing my story is to inspire women to get preventative care, to help anyone who may be going through a similar experience or just to share.  A mammogram is not a fun experience…it is kind of like bra shopping.  You do it because it is necessary, which also means many women put it off.  PLEASE DO NOT PUT IT OFF.  My mammogram saved my life.  My cancer was caught early and I chose a more extreme treatment to assure wiping it out of my body.  Each person’s cancer story is different, but feeling supported and knowing you are not alone in the fight is comforting.

I also put off writing as I have been working through a lot of emotions connected to my physical and emotional healing.  As I look back it is very surreal- from my initial cancer diagnosis to my cancer-free diagnosis was three months, which felt like three years.  While the majority of my physical healing is done, I am still healing emotionally.  At times, I have felt completely broken and others very empowered.  While I know my looks don’t define me, society at large is very uncomfortable with people who don’t fit the basic mold.  So I have had to come to terms with not having breasts and what this means…most people don’t notice or care.  However, there is the rare occasion when people look at you funny.  My angry side wants to shout I am a cancer survivor not a freak, stop staring.  Then I take a breath and think ignore them.  It is also hard because my tops and dresses no longer fit correctly.  There are also a number of clothes I can’t wear due to strategically placed darts, cuts or padding added in swimsuits.  While all small hurdles they are still new experiences that I can’t always predict.  So I will continue to cross these hurdles some I will clear easily and others I will pick my self up when I fall.  No matter what I know I am strong and can get through anything.

If you are reading this…please ask a women you know – have you had a mammogram recently?  It could save her life 🙂

Been awhile…avoidance

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I am setting a goal to write 2 or more times a week.  Sometimes I will publish them and other times it will be for me. I am trying to work on my self compassion. Still feeling my way through life post cancer.  I am still healing physically and emotionally.  There are many days I feel healed and others when I feel lost. This is a new path in life with emotions still to work through and figure out; what am I learning about myself during this time.  As for any lessons in life it will have its ups and downs.  I can say I am truly thankful to learn these lessons even if they are hard. I have many things to be thankful for in this life.  I have a great family and friends who have shown me it is ok to ask for help and support.  They have shown me love and kindness throughout this past year.  I look forward to paying it forward to those in need as well.

So EXCITED!

I am so excited…I just signed up to see Elizabeth Gilbert next Spring at an event near me!

I have been inspired by her desire and drive to do what she loves to help her fulfill her life’s journey.  I think she is brave and honest.  I look forward to seeing her speak in person!

It will be a weekend away to be inspired by her and other women.

Fall is here!

Here in the PacNorWest we were supposed to have a NASTY storm.  It was not as bad as first predicted in my area…thank goodness!

It ended up being a great weekend.

Laundry done – check

School planning – check

Fun – Check, check….games played, pumpkins carved, drawing, laughing, cuddles

Thank you weather for helping me to hunker down at home and get some fun in for this weekend!  Here’s to more rainy weekends inside 🙂

Why’s and giggles

Life has felt very much at a juxtaposition lately.  One moment asking why has life been so challenging and the next playing and laughing with my daughter, my class or my friends.  This has made life feel chaotic and content all at the same time.  I am working on being self-compassionate…this is very hard.  I have made a life habit of being too hard on myself.  Along with putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect.  Except it has come to my attention that I am trying to be perfect by society and my own unrealistic expectations.  This is where the self compassion is coming in to play.  I have worked a lot on saying it is okay if I don’t get to everything today.  As always it will be there tomorrow and as long as no one is hurt (including myself) by not getting to it today all is well.

The why’s:  there is a quote about being given the life you can handle.  Basically stating that we are given so many challenges because we are “strong enough” to handle them.  I can now confidently say I am strong enough to handle them.  However, why do I have to be SO strong all the time.  When do I get to lean on someone else?  Why so many tests in this life?  What am I to learn from being SO strong so much of the time?

I know I am not the only person who feels this way, but in our society it is not ok to share out loud these thoughts…that makes you broken and weak.  Not many people are equipped with the compassion to listen with an open heart and not judge others in their time of need.  How do we make this change?  When will it be seen as a strength to be self-compassionate and compassionate towards others?  I hope one day soon we can move towards being more compassionate to everyone including ourselves!

Lucky!

I am a lucky person. You may read that after my previous posts and wonder if I have lost my mind.  I have not!  This morning while driving home from having pictures taken I realized how lucky I am.  I have a wonderful, silly, kind daughter.  I am abundant enough to get her pictures taken and to provide a good home for us.  We have heat, food and shelter.  I have the love and friendship of many family and friends.

I am grateful for all I have in my life!

Second Guessing

I never knew I could second guess so many things: what I eat, what is in foods – should I eat it – should I feed it to my daughter???  Could there be more problems in the future?  Should I have the genetic testing done?  What do I do for my daughter if it comes back positive in the genetic testing?

All of the above questions make me think – BREATHE – JUST BREATHE.  It is good to second guess things.  That means you are thinking about what is happening in your life, not just letting life happen to you.  I am also realizing as I second guess different parts of life I have to take a calm, thoughtful approach to how to handle each question or situation.  One of my favorite sayings is No Mud, No Lotus…you can’t have the good without it being a bit messy.  So I am going to wade, wallow or even sink into the mud knowing that if I can get through the mud there will be something beautiful at the end.  I am learning to embrace the small moments…they are TRULY the big moments in life.

The little things (small moments): my daughters laughter and silliness, a good song, a cup of warm coffee, laughing with friends, my students silly ideas and hard work…these are just a few of the many good things in my life!

So my friends second guess away.  Then  just breathe and enjoy the little things.

Healing

Recovery means healing to me; both physically and mentally.  I began this journey after I got home. I know some people don’t like the word journey, but I use this word to describe the path we take throughout our lives.  There are straight paths, curvy paths, long, short, bumpy and so many ways to describe the events in our lives.  I have even thought of life as a roller coaster at times.  You never know what is around the next corner or hill, but you have to be brave.  This is not always easy and a lot of the time it feels scary and out of my control.  However, I have learned that I can control how I deal and feel my way through life.  I want to be brave, loving and inspiring.

So once I was home I had to learn a lesson: how to ask for help.  In the last few years I have prided myself on my ability to be self sufficient and provide for my daughter and I.  I am stubborn and don’t always do well with asking for help.  During my recovery I had to ask for a lot of help and in turn felt helpless 😦

I can’t say I am ALOT better at this, but a little better.  Even though it is now a running joke with my daughter that I am Wonder Woman I can’t do it all.  It is good to know your limits and allow yourself to ask for help when you reach your limits.

 

 

It’s Time

Here is more on my cancer journey:

Well, the time had come to have my surgery.  I was worried because I had never had a major surgery.  Also, I didn’t know what to expect after the surgery.  The night before I didn’t sleep so well…many wake ups throughout the night.  I had everything set for the morning: overnight bag for hospital packed, parents to take me to the hospital, grandpa here to take my daughter to school, the list of people to contact after the surgery – including someone to tell my daughter I was good after surgery.  The morning came and I was scared, nervous and oddly calm.

My mom commented after the surgery she was impressed with how calm I was in pre-op.  I guess I was ready and knew too much worrying wouldn’t help. Once preped I gave my mom and hug and said I would see her after the surgery. I was wheeled down the hall to the operating room.  I remember it being very cold and all metal…a very vulnerable place to be as they strapped me to the table in only my gown.

Then next thing I remember is waking up in recovery as a nurse was taking something off my wrist.  Shortly after that I was moved to my room…where I got to see my family.  My first comment being no one should have a surgery that makes your armpits hurt…haha.

The rest of the day and night was sleeping, blood pressure checks, eating, throwing up and asking to be helped to the bathroom…pretty lowly feeling.  I was very happy to see the surgeon in the morning.  She said the surgery went well and I could go home!

Homeward bound for healing to begin.