Category: Uncategorized

No Mud, No Lotus

Here is what I wrote in September of 2016 

Second Guessing

I never knew I could second guess so many things: what I eat, what is in foods – should I eat it – should I feed it to my daughter???  Could there be more problems in the future?  Should I have the genetic testing done?  What do I do for my daughter if it comes back positive in the genetic testing?

 All of the above questions make me think – BREATHE – JUST BREATHE.  It is good to second guess things.  That means you are thinking about what is happening in your life, not just letting life happen to you.  I am also realizing as I second guess different parts of life I have to take a calm, thoughtful approach to how to handle each question or situation.  One of my favorite sayings is No Mud, No Lotus…you can’t have the good without it being a bit messy.  So I am going to wade, wallow or even sink into the mud knowing that if I can get through the mud there will be something beautiful at the end.  I am learning to embrace the small moments…they are TRULY the big moments in life.

 The little things (small moments): my daughter’s laughter and silliness, a good song, a cup of warm coffee, laughing with friends, my students’ silly ideas and hard work…these are just a few of the many good things in my life!

 So my friends second guess away.  Then  just breathe and enjoy the little things.

A glowing pink lotus flower emerging from dark, swirling swamp mud in a mystical forest setting

Second Guessing becomes Gratitude ( reflection on September 2016 writing)

Now I believe what I saw as second guessing is really the reflective nature of my thinking and when worried overthinking me takes over the internal conversation. With reflection comes gratitude – what in my life am I grateful for, big and small? This helps to settle my overthinking mind.

I still embrace the saying No Mud, No Lotus. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the muddy moments in my life. Sometimes I have wallowed in the mud and other times I have sunk into the mud to listen. I have learned a lot from these muddy times. Not to say this was easy or fun, but helpful in illuminating things I wasn’t able to see. I have learned how strong I am, who my supportive family and friends are and that life ebbs and flows between mud and blooming. Mud is not a shoe dropping, just a natural part of life’s messiness. I can honestly say I am grateful for the mud in my life. The muddy moments have taught me a lot. I am still grateful for my daughter’s laughter and she gives the best hugs. I am grateful for the supportive community of family and friends I have in my life. I am grateful for how proud I am of what I have done in my life despite the mud. I have bloomed into a kind, strong woman who knows her worth (even if I still doubt myself at times). My younger self would be proud and in awe of who we have become ebbing and flowing between the mud and beautiful flower moments in life.

With coffee and kindness – Heartwriter Studios

Healing and Grief

The following piece was started as I restarted my blog about part of my breast cancer story.  Then recently I unexpectedly lost one of my dogs.  This lead to adding more about grief. I am sure there will be more in future, but this is a good start to the ideas of healing and grief. 

Healing – what is it?

It is physical, emotional, years in the making! It ebbs & flows. 

The definition of healing is: vb., to make free from injury or disease: to make sound or whole.

So then my question is how does one make you free from your emotional injury? How do you become whole again? Is it the same wholeness as before? Or a changed wholeness? What has changed? Is it “better”? Or just changed?

Hmm, let’s look at the word disease. The definition of disease is: a disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic or developmental errors, infection, poisons, nutritional deficiency or imbalance, toxicity, or unfavorable environmental factors; illness; sickness; ailment. 

Sometimes healing is physical as in healing from a disease, but sometimes healing is from emotional pain like grief. At its essence grief is emotional pain in the form of sorrow, sadness and/or suffering. This can come from many different hardships.

The definition of grief is: n., suffering hardships; n., emotional pain, generally arising from misfortune, significant personal loss, bereavement, misconduct of oneself or others etc.; sorrow, sadness. 

Personal loss, this feels like many different things wrapped up into one. Grief at the loss of people, animals, life changes, the lost ideas of what you thought life would be and more. How do we unpack these losses if we have put them in a box on the shelf? If we take the box down and open it, what will happen?

When will the other shoe drop…gasp

When will the other shoe drop…gasp

This was my first post in May of 2016: A whole new world!

My first post – this opens a whole new world.  The Other Shoe, I have always used this expression in a negative way, but starting today I am turning it into a positive.  In the past when I felt as though life was going well, I would wonder when will the other shoe drop and make life hell.  Now I am choosing to say when the shoe drops I am going to pick up the other foot and kick life in the a$$.

After rereading this beginning post, I wondered: what does the other shoe mean to me now?

In all honesty, it is a phrase that has dropped out of my vocabulary. I decided I had to think more positively about life. Life has ups and downs, but I can either look at the downs as horrible & of course bad happened OR I can look for the lesson and know it is just part of life.  This didn’t make it any easier when the downs happened, but I think it helped me to see the many positives I had in my life by not focusing on the negatives. In these last ten years I have worked to focus on gratitude for what I have in my life. Along with the small wins, even if the small wins were 20 minutes of quiet in the morning while I drank my coffee or a hug from my daughter.  These were and still are the BIG moments in my life. I know some of you may think that makes your life pretty boring and that may be true.  I celebrate my small wins and big wins as big wins nowadays. These are my gratitude moments.  These are for me and no one else.  

Honestly, I have worked hard for the life I have created and am living. It is not perfect, but it is mine. I am proud of the  life I have created for myself and my family. I am proud of the “shoe drops” , some have been the biggest lessons in my life. They have helped me reflect on who I am and how I want to move forward in life. 

So while I don’t use this phrase (when will the next shoe drop?) anymore, I know life will have ups and downs. I will take them as they come. I will find the lessons, have f@** you moments, choose joy, choose gratitude, and keep flowing with life and see where it takes me. Right now it is taking me to the kitchen for another cup of coffee  🙂

With coffee and kindness from Heartwriter Studios ♥️

10 years cancer free!

Ten years ago, I started a blog as I was healing from a double mastectomy due to breast cancer. I was not feeling worthy enough and had imposter syndrome.  I published it, but didn’t advertise it to the world at large.  I shared the link in a Facebook group for women with breast cancer. I received a few kind comments, but didn’t feel like I was worthy of sharing my story. I am now ready to share my story. I am ready to share my healing journey and hopefully bring together a community of kind, empathetic, and compassionate people looking to make meaningful connections. I would like to share my healing journey in hopes of showing people that being vulnerable about your healing can help others and also you. Whether we admit it or not we all have suffered, something has hurt us physically, emotionally or spiritually.  I do not share this to tout myself as an expert.  I am not a doctor, therapist or specialist of any kind.  I am an ordinary person sharing her life and healing journey.  

At the time of my breast cancer diagnosis I felt life had taken a positive upswing. I had just passed the one year anniversary of living in a house I had purchased on my own.  I was a single mom working hard to support myself and my family. I was healing from feeling unworthy of love and found myself in a good place, emotionally and physically. I had gone to my doctor to check in on feeling tired a lot of the time.  She chalked it up to being a full time working mom and teacher.  Of course I was tired!  As I left the nurse handed me a referral for a mammogram.  I asked why I was being referred for a mammogram.  She told me it was time for my next (second in my life) mammogram, so I thought nothing of it. Being a tired, single teacher mom I scheduled it for Spring Break to help alleviate having to get a substitute. It comes with extra work to prepare for a substitute and I didn’t want the extra work on top of parent conference prep.  So I waited for Spring Break, it was the perfect solution.

I had my mammogram at the end of Spring Break.  I got a call that I needed to go in and see the doctor about something that was found in my mammogram results. There were calcifications in my breast. This led to an appointment for a needle biopsy. I would like to say that the table used for this procedure was not designed for comfort or dignity. You lay face down on a hard table with a hole in it for your breast to “fall through” for the procedure. (My head turned towards the wall for 45 minutes…such a crink in the neck) Your breast is then held in place like a mammogram for the biopsy.  If you are not positioned just right you get readjusted and squished again…the third time was a charm for me. Then I lay like this for 45 minutes while the male doctor and female nurse worked to bore out breast tissue like a core sample of earth. Once they had all the samples the nurse had me follow her to a mammogram room where she took pictures of the samples.  I had to follow her so I could visually see that she had my breast tissue and it wasn’t mixed up. It felt like a walk of shame.  Here I follow my possibly cancerous tissue down the hall in my paper gown before getting redressed worrying with every step. Then back to the room to get dressed while the samples were prepared to be sent out for testing.  While the nurse was kind and empathetic, it was a very uncomfortable appointment overall. I was then told I would hear back in 7-10 days. I got a call from the nurse at my general practitioner’s office three days later.  I needed to come in the next morning to talk to my doctor.  I knew then that she was going to tell me I had breast cancer.  It was a long night.  I had to paint on my happy mom face and go about a normal evening. Oh and I needed to get a substitute and write up plans for the next morning for my doctor’s appointment. Needless to say this began my breast cancer journey and a healing journey that opened many new and old wounds in me for the next many years to come. 

I am posting this on the 10th anniversary of being cancer free!!!   I chose my surgery date as my cancer free date.  May 19th is the day the surgeon took the cancer out of my body. If you are reading this, thank you.  I begin my blog again feeling empowered and ready to share my healing with the world.  

If you are interested and would love to read more of my journey stay tuned.  I am working on reflections for my earlier posts from 9-10 years ago. 

With coffee and kindness from Heartwriter Studios

Been awhile…avoidance

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I am setting a goal to write 2 or more times a week.  Sometimes I will publish them and other times it will be for me. I am trying to work on my self compassion. Still feeling my way through life post cancer.  I am still healing physically and emotionally.  There are many days I feel healed and others when I feel lost. This is a new path in life with emotions still to work through and figure out; what am I learning about myself during this time.  As for any lessons in life it will have its ups and downs.  I can say I am truly thankful to learn these lessons even if they are hard. I have many things to be thankful for in this life.  I have a great family and friends who have shown me it is ok to ask for help and support.  They have shown me love and kindness throughout this past year.  I look forward to paying it forward to those in need as well.

Fall is here!

Here in the PacNorWest we were supposed to have a NASTY storm.  It was not as bad as first predicted in my area…thank goodness!

It ended up being a great weekend.

Laundry done – check

School planning – check

Fun – Check, check….games played, pumpkins carved, drawing, laughing, cuddles

Thank you weather for helping me to hunker down at home and get some fun in for this weekend!  Here’s to more rainy weekends inside 🙂

Second Guessing

I never knew I could second guess so many things: what I eat, what is in foods – should I eat it – should I feed it to my daughter???  Could there be more problems in the future?  Should I have the genetic testing done?  What do I do for my daughter if it comes back positive in the genetic testing?

All of the above questions make me think – BREATHE – JUST BREATHE.  It is good to second guess things.  That means you are thinking about what is happening in your life, not just letting life happen to you.  I am also realizing as I second guess different parts of life I have to take a calm, thoughtful approach to how to handle each question or situation.  One of my favorite sayings is No Mud, No Lotus…you can’t have the good without it being a bit messy.  So I am going to wade, wallow or even sink into the mud knowing that if I can get through the mud there will be something beautiful at the end.  I am learning to embrace the small moments…they are TRULY the big moments in life.

The little things (small moments): my daughters laughter and silliness, a good song, a cup of warm coffee, laughing with friends, my students silly ideas and hard work…these are just a few of the many good things in my life!

So my friends second guess away.  Then  just breathe and enjoy the little things.

Healing

Recovery means healing to me; both physically and mentally.  I began this journey after I got home. I know some people don’t like the word journey, but I use this word to describe the path we take throughout our lives.  There are straight paths, curvy paths, long, short, bumpy and so many ways to describe the events in our lives.  I have even thought of life as a roller coaster at times.  You never know what is around the next corner or hill, but you have to be brave.  This is not always easy and a lot of the time it feels scary and out of my control.  However, I have learned that I can control how I deal and feel my way through life.  I want to be brave, loving and inspiring.

So once I was home I had to learn a lesson: how to ask for help.  In the last few years I have prided myself on my ability to be self sufficient and provide for my daughter and I.  I am stubborn and don’t always do well with asking for help.  During my recovery I had to ask for a lot of help and in turn felt helpless 😦

I can’t say I am ALOT better at this, but a little better.  Even though it is now a running joke with my daughter that I am Wonder Woman I can’t do it all.  It is good to know your limits and allow yourself to ask for help when you reach your limits.

 

 

Waiting

Between the time of my diagnosis and my surgery felt like an eternity.  In all reality it was only a month…I say only now knowing some people wait for monthS before their surgery as they complete testing and see various doctors.  For “only” a month I am grateful; I was at my wits end by the time I had my surgery (many sleepless nights).

I did try to keep my sense of humor through this process…it was a cry or laugh option.  I chose laugh, so I made many inappropriate jokes.  My poor teaching partners and family heard a lot of these jokes.  My first was that I could join the army as my boob could camouflage itself from all the bruising caused by the biopsy.  It was still slightly bruised when I had my surgery. My surgeon got a kick out of this joke.  I loved my surgeon; she presented me with my options and supported me in my choice.  It was recommended to me to have a lumpectomy and radiation treatments.  I talked to and read about many women who went that route and had re occurrences that lead in the end to mastectomies.  I chose to have a double mastectomy ( an extreme) not only for myself, but also my family.  I didn’t want to put myself or my daughter through radiation treatments and a possible re occurrence. My surgeon supported my decision and sent me to a plastic surgeon and oncologist.  I chose to not have reconstructive surgery because I just can’t imagine after having cancer putting some weird chemical back in my body.  I would always be worried.  After seeing all my doctors it was time to schedule my surgery and get the cancer OUT of me!