It has been a while since I wrote anything. I am setting a goal to write 2 or more times a week. Sometimes I will publish them and other times it will be for me. I am trying to work on my self compassion. Still feeling my way through life post cancer. I am still healing physically and emotionally. There are many days I feel healed and others when I feel lost. This is a new path in life with emotions still to work through and figure out; what am I learning about myself during this time. As for any lessons in life it will have its ups and downs. I can say I am truly thankful to learn these lessons even if they are hard. I have many things to be thankful for in this life. I have a great family and friends who have shown me it is ok to ask for help and support. They have shown me love and kindness throughout this past year. I look forward to paying it forward to those in need as well.
Category: Uncategorized
Fall is here!
Here in the PacNorWest we were supposed to have a NASTY storm. It was not as bad as first predicted in my area…thank goodness!
It ended up being a great weekend.
Laundry done – check
School planning – check
Fun – Check, check….games played, pumpkins carved, drawing, laughing, cuddles
Thank you weather for helping me to hunker down at home and get some fun in for this weekend! Here’s to more rainy weekends inside 🙂
Second Guessing
I never knew I could second guess so many things: what I eat, what is in foods – should I eat it – should I feed it to my daughter??? Could there be more problems in the future? Should I have the genetic testing done? What do I do for my daughter if it comes back positive in the genetic testing?
All of the above questions make me think – BREATHE – JUST BREATHE. It is good to second guess things. That means you are thinking about what is happening in your life, not just letting life happen to you. I am also realizing as I second guess different parts of life I have to take a calm, thoughtful approach to how to handle each question or situation. One of my favorite sayings is No Mud, No Lotus…you can’t have the good without it being a bit messy. So I am going to wade, wallow or even sink into the mud knowing that if I can get through the mud there will be something beautiful at the end. I am learning to embrace the small moments…they are TRULY the big moments in life.
The little things (small moments): my daughters laughter and silliness, a good song, a cup of warm coffee, laughing with friends, my students silly ideas and hard work…these are just a few of the many good things in my life!
So my friends second guess away. Then just breathe and enjoy the little things.
Healing
Recovery means healing to me; both physically and mentally. I began this journey after I got home. I know some people don’t like the word journey, but I use this word to describe the path we take throughout our lives. There are straight paths, curvy paths, long, short, bumpy and so many ways to describe the events in our lives. I have even thought of life as a roller coaster at times. You never know what is around the next corner or hill, but you have to be brave. This is not always easy and a lot of the time it feels scary and out of my control. However, I have learned that I can control how I deal and feel my way through life. I want to be brave, loving and inspiring.
So once I was home I had to learn a lesson: how to ask for help. In the last few years I have prided myself on my ability to be self sufficient and provide for my daughter and I. I am stubborn and don’t always do well with asking for help. During my recovery I had to ask for a lot of help and in turn felt helpless 😦
I can’t say I am ALOT better at this, but a little better. Even though it is now a running joke with my daughter that I am Wonder Woman I can’t do it all. It is good to know your limits and allow yourself to ask for help when you reach your limits.
Waiting
Between the time of my diagnosis and my surgery felt like an eternity. In all reality it was only a month…I say only now knowing some people wait for monthS before their surgery as they complete testing and see various doctors. For “only” a month I am grateful; I was at my wits end by the time I had my surgery (many sleepless nights).
I did try to keep my sense of humor through this process…it was a cry or laugh option. I chose laugh, so I made many inappropriate jokes. My poor teaching partners and family heard a lot of these jokes. My first was that I could join the army as my boob could camouflage itself from all the bruising caused by the biopsy. It was still slightly bruised when I had my surgery. My surgeon got a kick out of this joke. I loved my surgeon; she presented me with my options and supported me in my choice. It was recommended to me to have a lumpectomy and radiation treatments. I talked to and read about many women who went that route and had re occurrences that lead in the end to mastectomies. I chose to have a double mastectomy ( an extreme) not only for myself, but also my family. I didn’t want to put myself or my daughter through radiation treatments and a possible re occurrence. My surgeon supported my decision and sent me to a plastic surgeon and oncologist. I chose to not have reconstructive surgery because I just can’t imagine after having cancer putting some weird chemical back in my body. I would always be worried. After seeing all my doctors it was time to schedule my surgery and get the cancer OUT of me!
Lost and Scared
Here is the beginning of my cancer story – I went to my general practitioner on April 22nd where she told me I had DCIS (breast cancer). As she said if cancer could be good this was the good kind of cancer. It was stage 0; non-invasive breast cancer contained in the milk duct of my right breast. I was then sent to a surgeon the following Tuesday to talk options. I also began telling my family I had cancer…along with close friends. A friend from work met me at the doctor’s office so I wouldn’t be alone because I am stubborn and chose to go by myself. I didn’t know I needed this support until we were sitting in her car. I felt numb and overwhelmed by the news. So many questions and worries beginning with how to tell family; especially my daughter.
Luckily, my appointment was on a Friday and my daughter would be at her dad’s for the weekend. I would have time to adsorb the news and begin figuring out how to tell my family. That night I called and invited my parents in for dinner, so I could tell them. Then, I planned to go out and tell my ex-father-in-law (aka my 2nd Dad) on Sunday before I picked up my daughter. I would like to say there is nothing harder than telling family members that you have cancer. I spent the weekend laying on the couch, crying and making family members cry…this part of cancer sucks!! Just writing this has made me cry again remembering the different reactions of family members that weekend and beyond.
This also began a long period of sleepless nights. I was trying to not lose it at work or in front of my daughter while figuring out what my options were for treatment. During these long nights I read many articles and looked at a lot of pictures of what women look like after mastectomies and lumpectomies. I spoke with a few ladies about their experiences with the same diagnosis. They opted for different treatment plans with different results. This helped me to make my decision about what I should do, so I would live a long time after this diagnosis.
Another Chapter in Life’s Wacky Journey
I know some people don’t like the word journey, but I use this word to describe the path we take throughout our lives. There are straight paths, curvy paths, long, short, bumpy -so many ways to describe the events in our lives. I have even thought of life as a roller coaster at times. You never know what is around the next corner or hill, but you have to be brave. This is not always easy and a lot of the time it feels scary and beyond my control. However, I have learned that I can control how I deal with and feel my way through life. I want to be brave, loving and inspiring.
I am not sure where to begin, so I will begin at the start. I decided to see my doctor in March due to being tired, maybe exhausted is a better word. I went thinking of course I am tired; I am a single, working mom. At the end of my appointment my doctor did blood work and referred me to have a mammogram. When I asked why she said because it had been a year and a half since my mammogram (my one and only mammogram). Luckily, I could make my appointment during spring break…woohoo, I wouldn’t have to take any leave or write sub plans (bonus)!
My mammogram was on April 4th. I took my daughter with me. She got to wait in the waiting room and read – fun way to start her spring break. After this we enjoyed Spring Break together. We went roller skating, watched movies, played with Legos, had a visit from her older sister and put in a new garden bed. It was a good week. The following week we went back to school and the mammography office left a message for me to call back. I went back on April 15th because they found calcifications that needed to be biopsied. My biopsy was then scheduled for April 19th. I was so scared, while friends and family reassured me it would be fine I wasn’t so confident. I read about what my stereotactic biopsy would entail. Let’s just say a guy invented this machine – you lay face down on a table with a hole in it. Your breast falls through the hole and then it is stabalized ( let’s call this what it is PINCHED) in a good place for the technician to be able to use the needle to take samples. This took an hour, 5 adjustments of my breast to be in the right spot, markers of where they took the sample and to top it off a mammogram to document where the markers were placed. Then back to work with ice packs in my bra to help with the swelling. Then the waiting and bruising began – within a week my boob looked as though it could camouflage for the army. It continued to change colors for quite some time…weird, but a great laugh some days. Along with the waiting for results not laughable–very nerve raking. I was told it would be 7 – 10 days for results to come back.
I received a call from my doctor’s office 2 days later; my doctor wanted to see me the next day. This was no good! I lost it – it must be cancer and I can’t have cancer! I have a wonderful little girl to raise, bug, love and life to live. This begins my cancer story…more to come soon.
Lifes journey is never dull…
I thought I would begin this blog to discuss the ups and downs of daily life as a single mom and teacher. Then that shoe dropped… I have spent the last month picking up the other shoe to help find my inner bad@$$.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April, which made me rethink all of my choices in life. My diagnosis also made me wonder what I had done to get cancer. Logically, I know I didn’t do anything wrong to get cancer. It happens without any reason or explanation. There are possibly choices that heightened my risk factors, but non that can be directly linked to me getting cancer. My diagnosis has made me do some soul searching about life and all of the choices I have made during my journey here on Earth.
Overtime, I hope to share my story as I can wrap my head around the whole experience.
More to come….take care and be kind to each other!
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