Why’s and giggles

Life has felt very much at a juxtaposition lately.  One moment asking why has life been so challenging and the next playing and laughing with my daughter, my class or my friends.  This has made life feel chaotic and content all at the same time.  I am working on being self-compassionate…this is very hard.  I have made a life habit of being too hard on myself.  Along with putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect.  Except it has come to my attention that I am trying to be perfect by society and my own unrealistic expectations.  This is where the self compassion is coming in to play.  I have worked a lot on saying it is okay if I don’t get to everything today.  As always it will be there tomorrow and as long as no one is hurt (including myself) by not getting to it today all is well.

The why’s:  there is a quote about being given the life you can handle.  Basically stating that we are given so many challenges because we are “strong enough” to handle them.  I can now confidently say I am strong enough to handle them.  However, why do I have to be SO strong all the time.  When do I get to lean on someone else?  Why so many tests in this life?  What am I to learn from being SO strong so much of the time?

I know I am not the only person who feels this way, but in our society it is not ok to share out loud these thoughts…that makes you broken and weak.  Not many people are equipped with the compassion to listen with an open heart and not judge others in their time of need.  How do we make this change?  When will it be seen as a strength to be self-compassionate and compassionate towards others?  I hope one day soon we can move towards being more compassionate to everyone including ourselves!

Lucky!

I am a lucky person. You may read that after my previous posts and wonder if I have lost my mind.  I have not!  This morning while driving home from having pictures taken I realized how lucky I am.  I have a wonderful, silly, kind daughter.  I am abundant enough to get her pictures taken and to provide a good home for us.  We have heat, food and shelter.  I have the love and friendship of many family and friends.

I am grateful for all I have in my life!

Second Guessing

I never knew I could second guess so many things: what I eat, what is in foods – should I eat it – should I feed it to my daughter???  Could there be more problems in the future?  Should I have the genetic testing done?  What do I do for my daughter if it comes back positive in the genetic testing?

All of the above questions make me think – BREATHE – JUST BREATHE.  It is good to second guess things.  That means you are thinking about what is happening in your life, not just letting life happen to you.  I am also realizing as I second guess different parts of life I have to take a calm, thoughtful approach to how to handle each question or situation.  One of my favorite sayings is No Mud, No Lotus…you can’t have the good without it being a bit messy.  So I am going to wade, wallow or even sink into the mud knowing that if I can get through the mud there will be something beautiful at the end.  I am learning to embrace the small moments…they are TRULY the big moments in life.

The little things (small moments): my daughters laughter and silliness, a good song, a cup of warm coffee, laughing with friends, my students silly ideas and hard work…these are just a few of the many good things in my life!

So my friends second guess away.  Then  just breathe and enjoy the little things.

Healing

Recovery means healing to me; both physically and mentally.  I began this journey after I got home. I know some people don’t like the word journey, but I use this word to describe the path we take throughout our lives.  There are straight paths, curvy paths, long, short, bumpy and so many ways to describe the events in our lives.  I have even thought of life as a roller coaster at times.  You never know what is around the next corner or hill, but you have to be brave.  This is not always easy and a lot of the time it feels scary and out of my control.  However, I have learned that I can control how I deal and feel my way through life.  I want to be brave, loving and inspiring.

So once I was home I had to learn a lesson: how to ask for help.  In the last few years I have prided myself on my ability to be self sufficient and provide for my daughter and I.  I am stubborn and don’t always do well with asking for help.  During my recovery I had to ask for a lot of help and in turn felt helpless 😦

I can’t say I am ALOT better at this, but a little better.  Even though it is now a running joke with my daughter that I am Wonder Woman I can’t do it all.  It is good to know your limits and allow yourself to ask for help when you reach your limits.

 

 

It’s Time

Here is more on my cancer journey:

Well, the time had come to have my surgery.  I was worried because I had never had a major surgery.  Also, I didn’t know what to expect after the surgery.  The night before I didn’t sleep so well…many wake ups throughout the night.  I had everything set for the morning: overnight bag for hospital packed, parents to take me to the hospital, grandpa here to take my daughter to school, the list of people to contact after the surgery – including someone to tell my daughter I was good after surgery.  The morning came and I was scared, nervous and oddly calm.

My mom commented after the surgery she was impressed with how calm I was in pre-op.  I guess I was ready and knew too much worrying wouldn’t help. Once preped I gave my mom and hug and said I would see her after the surgery. I was wheeled down the hall to the operating room.  I remember it being very cold and all metal…a very vulnerable place to be as they strapped me to the table in only my gown.

Then next thing I remember is waking up in recovery as a nurse was taking something off my wrist.  Shortly after that I was moved to my room…where I got to see my family.  My first comment being no one should have a surgery that makes your armpits hurt…haha.

The rest of the day and night was sleeping, blood pressure checks, eating, throwing up and asking to be helped to the bathroom…pretty lowly feeling.  I was very happy to see the surgeon in the morning.  She said the surgery went well and I could go home!

Homeward bound for healing to begin.

Help

Two friends today told me they were broken and felt like ending it.  This scared the crap out of me.  What do you say to someone who says this to you?  How do you reassure them that life will be ok and is worth living.  I told them the first things that came to my mind.  You have a family (with kids) that loves and needs you here.  I reminded them of what they do have in their lives to be grateful for…not sure that was right.  However, I wanted to see if I could open the light they have in their lives to help wash away the darkness.

I can’t say I have never thought this way…I have.  I stopped myself and immediately thought of all I have to live and fight for in my life.  Life has dealt me some pretty challenging situations, but I am learning to be compassionate for myself.  You can only handle so much…then it is time to ask for help.  It is ok to say ” I can’t do this today”.  Everyone needs time away even if it is just an hour.  I think we often push ahead because we feel a duty to someone else to keep pushing even if we don’t know who we are pushing ahead for.  So give yourself permission to say not today…I need a break to find my light!

Take care ♥

Waiting

Between the time of my diagnosis and my surgery felt like an eternity.  In all reality it was only a month…I say only now knowing some people wait for monthS before their surgery as they complete testing and see various doctors.  For “only” a month I am grateful; I was at my wits end by the time I had my surgery (many sleepless nights).

I did try to keep my sense of humor through this process…it was a cry or laugh option.  I chose laugh, so I made many inappropriate jokes.  My poor teaching partners and family heard a lot of these jokes.  My first was that I could join the army as my boob could camouflage itself from all the bruising caused by the biopsy.  It was still slightly bruised when I had my surgery. My surgeon got a kick out of this joke.  I loved my surgeon; she presented me with my options and supported me in my choice.  It was recommended to me to have a lumpectomy and radiation treatments.  I talked to and read about many women who went that route and had re occurrences that lead in the end to mastectomies.  I chose to have a double mastectomy ( an extreme) not only for myself, but also my family.  I didn’t want to put myself or my daughter through radiation treatments and a possible re occurrence. My surgeon supported my decision and sent me to a plastic surgeon and oncologist.  I chose to not have reconstructive surgery because I just can’t imagine after having cancer putting some weird chemical back in my body.  I would always be worried.  After seeing all my doctors it was time to schedule my surgery and get the cancer OUT of me!

Lost and Scared

Here is the beginning of my cancer story – I went to my general practitioner on April 22nd where she told me I had DCIS (breast cancer).  As she said if cancer could be good this was the good kind of cancer.  It was stage 0; non-invasive breast cancer contained in the milk duct of my right breast.  I was then sent to a surgeon the following Tuesday to talk options.  I also began telling my family I had cancer…along with close friends.  A friend from work met me at the doctor’s office so I wouldn’t be alone because I am stubborn and chose to go by myself.  I didn’t know I needed this support until we were sitting in her car.  I felt numb and overwhelmed by the news.  So many questions and worries beginning with how to tell family; especially my daughter.

Luckily, my appointment was on a Friday and my daughter would be at her dad’s for the weekend.  I would have time to adsorb the news and begin figuring out how to tell my family. That night I called and invited my parents in for dinner, so I could tell them.  Then, I planned to go out and tell my ex-father-in-law (aka my 2nd Dad) on Sunday before I picked up my daughter.  I would like to say there is nothing harder than telling family members that you have cancer. I spent the weekend laying on the couch, crying and making family members cry…this part of cancer sucks!!  Just writing this has made me cry again remembering the different reactions of family members that weekend and beyond.

This also began a long period of sleepless nights.  I was trying to not lose it at work or in front of my daughter while figuring out what my options were for treatment.  During these long nights I read many articles and looked at a lot of pictures of what women look like after mastectomies and lumpectomies.  I spoke with a few ladies about their experiences with the same diagnosis.  They opted for different treatment plans with different results.  This helped me to make my decision about what I should do, so I would live a long time after this diagnosis.

Another Chapter in Life’s Wacky Journey

I know some people don’t like the word journey, but I use this word to describe the path we take throughout our lives.  There are straight paths, curvy paths, long, short, bumpy -so many ways to describe the events in our lives.  I have even thought of life as a roller coaster at times.  You never know what is around the next corner or hill, but you have to be brave.  This is not always easy and a lot of the time it feels scary and beyond my control.  However, I have learned that I can control how I deal with and feel my way through life.  I want to be brave, loving and inspiring.

I am not sure where to begin, so I will begin at the start. I decided to see my doctor in March due to being tired, maybe exhausted is a better word.  I went thinking of course I am tired; I am a single, working mom.  At the end of my appointment my doctor did blood work and referred me to have a mammogram.  When I asked why she said because it had been a year and a half since my mammogram (my one and only mammogram).  Luckily, I could make my appointment during spring break…woohoo, I wouldn’t have to take any leave or write sub plans (bonus)!

My mammogram was on April 4th.  I took my daughter with me. She got to wait in the waiting room and read – fun way to start her spring break.  After this we enjoyed Spring Break together.  We went roller skating, watched movies, played with Legos, had a visit from her older sister and put in a new garden bed.  It was a good week. The following week we went back to school and the mammography office left a message for me to call back.  I went back on April 15th because they found calcifications that needed to be biopsied.  My biopsy was then scheduled for April 19th.  I was so scared, while friends and family reassured me it would be fine I wasn’t so confident.  I read about what my stereotactic biopsy would entail.  Let’s just say a guy invented this machine – you lay face down on a table with a hole in it.  Your breast falls through the hole and then it is stabalized ( let’s call this what it is PINCHED) in a good place for the technician to be able to use the needle to take samples.  This took an hour, 5 adjustments of my breast to be in the right spot, markers of where they took the sample and to top it off a mammogram to document where the markers were placed.  Then back to work with ice packs in my bra to help with the swelling.  Then the waiting and bruising began – within a week my boob looked as though it could camouflage for the army.  It continued to change colors for quite some time…weird, but a great laugh some days.  Along with the waiting for results not laughable–very nerve raking.   I was told it would be 7 – 10 days for results to come back.

I received a call from my doctor’s office 2 days later; my doctor wanted to see me the next day.  This was no good!  I lost it – it must be cancer and I can’t have cancer!  I have a wonderful little girl to raise, bug, love and life to live.  This begins my cancer story…more to come soon.